Cry
by ToWonderIfOnly
Summary: Takes place after "47 Seconds." Rick said "I love you." Kate pretended not to hear it. Set to the song "Cry" by Kelly Clarkson, this is one way the story could have played out.


**Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I do not own "Castle." Nor do I own Kelly Clarkson because I'm pretty sure there are laws against that.**

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><p>"<em><strong>If anyone asks, I'll tell them we both just moved on.<strong>_

_**When people all stare, I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk.**_

_**Whenever I see you, I'll swallow my pride and bite my tongue...**_

_**Pretend I'm okay with it all,**_

_**Act like there's nothing wrong..."**_

The days turned into weeks since Kate broke his heart. That moment became like a broken record in his mind that, no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't turn it off. _Do you wanna know trauma? I was shot in the chest, and I remember EVERY SECOND of it!_ This confession consumed him, eating away at his thoughts, his sense of humor, everything that defined him. Eventually, this heartbreak took away everything that had made everyone at the 12th fall in love with him four years ago. At first, Rick was able to push it back; he could shut off his emotions long enough to focus on the cases at hand. But slowly, without anyone realizing, the sense of anger and betrayal slithered into his mind, eating away at the fun-loving man everyone adored, until all that was left of him was the shell of the Richard Castle he once was. The Castle who loved to laugh, to make jokes, to offer his unique sense of creativity to every situation, making it impossible for those around him not to smile. But now, now that he knows how long Kate has been lying to him, the anger and sadness have replaced every speck of the man he used to be with a stranger; nobody knows him anymore. Not even himself. Rick Castle, the ruggedly-hansom, murder-mystery writer who loved Kate Beckett with every part of himself, is gone.

"_**Is it over yet?**_

_**Can I open my eyes?**_

_**Is this as hard as it gets?**_

_**Is this what it feels like to really cry?"**_

For months now, Rick has managed to put up a wall, to turn off his emotions and simply feel nothing. Sure, he is angry; but the sadness and heartache has been locked away deep inside of him, and he has no intention of ever letting it surface. This anger, this hate... it has changed him. He is bitter. He is resentful. He no longer smiles that adorable, boyish smile everyone adores... In fact, he never smiles at all. Despite the countless efforts to cheer him up extended by everyone who loves him at the precinct, he still merely shrugs them off and retreats to his chair, which he has since moved from Beckett's desk to the far wall of the 12th where he sits alone. Always.

One night, he finds himself standing at the foot of his bed. The house is silent; he is all alone, as usual. He had turned on the TV as background noise to avoid the ominous silence, and he stands in his room, mindlessly watching it, when a jewelry commercial floods his screen. Normally, the advertisements would simply be dismissed, but something about this one catches his eye, and he stands, staring at the flickering screen, unable to peel his eyes away. There on the screen, spins a long, gold chained necklace supporting a simple gold band hanging from the bottom of the sparkling pendant. _Johanna..._ Richard thinks to himself, _it's... Kate's_. Even in his thoughts, he struggles to get the name out. The necklace, it's identical to the one Kate always wears around her neck; she refuses to take it off. His mind begins spinning, and suddenly, out of nowhere, all of those memories he has so desperately tried to lock away come flooding back to him in endless flashes, making it nearly impossible to breathe. His chest tightens as he thinks of Kate's mother's case and the way he lied to her, the same way she did to him. He thought of the gunshot, of the terror in her eyes as he held her, watching the love of his life die in his arms as he sat helplessly aside, knowing there was nothing he could do. He thought of the sniper loose in the city, Beckett's reaction... the beautiful, always steady woman, the personification of bravery and strength, crumble to the floor in sheer panic. He thought of their promise to each other, their unspoken promise that they would, some day, be together - be each other's "one and done." Then, he thought of the lie. The most important act he has ever committed, the most important phrase his lips have ever spoken, and she denied it. She denied remembering the moment he told her he loved her, pleading with her to survive because he couldn't bear to live life without her. He thought of the betrayal he felt as he heard the love of his life tell a complete stranger something she had, for months, been keeping from the one person she was supposed to trust. And now, in this moment in his bedroom, everything comes flooding back to him. Anger. Sadness. Betrayal. Helplessness. Terror. Sheer heartache, sending Richard Castle over the edge. He collapses to the ground, unable to make it the few extra feet to his soft, warm bed. He crumbles to the floor, his tears beginning to form a puddle on the dark wood as he lies there, sobbing for the first time in months. For the first time since that afternoon in the interrogation room, he finally begins to cry. He finally allows the desperation that has been hovering over him for far too long to overpower him, and he's simply too broken to fight it. Kate Beckett, the woman he loved, betrayed him, and the only thing he can do about it now is cry. His heart, his pure, child-like heart shattered into a thousand tiny pieces, and this sorrow has rendered him too weak to even begin trying to pick them up again. Rick's heart is broken, and there is nothing anyone can do to fix it.

"_**Whenever I feel **_

_**Your memory is breaking my heart,**_

_**I'll pretend I'm okay with it all...**_

_**Act like there's nothing wrong."**_

Well, there is _one_ person who could fix it... The same woman who broke it in the first place. "Kate..." The name involuntarily slips from his mouth as he lies, curled up in a ball on the floor of his bedroom, his face soaked with tears. _She_ could fix it, but he knows the likelihood of her simply walking through the door to sweep all of his problems away is next to nothing. He knows whatever relationship the two of them once shared is now over, and this realization that he has been denying for so long hits him like a ton of bricks, causing a new wave of sobs to escape his crumbling body. If anything, he just wishes they could talk one last time. And not the casual, "Oh hey, this weather sure has been weird lately, hasn't it?" small talk they make as they pass each other in the halls of the precinct. What he wants is a real conversation. He wants to confront the thing that caused his entire personality to change in a matter of days. He wants her to explain herself. He wants her to say, "I'm sorry."

A faint sound interrupts Rick from his thoughts. As reality slowly comes back into focus, he realizes his phone was ringing. _One new text message from: Kate Beckett,_ he reads silently after rising from the floor and retrieving the iPhone from the desk next to him. As if on cue, the message states: "Hey. Can we talk, Castle? I'm in the neighborhood if you're home.. if you're up for it." He was utterly shocked. The tightness in his chest returned, and he realized he had been holding his breath since he saw her name illuminating his phone screen. He exhaled and refilled his lungs with air as he cautiously replied, "K. I'm at my place. You know how to find me." His reply was icy, sure, but he found it to be nothing in comparison to her recent actions.

He paced the floor for a moment, mind spinning. _This is it,_ he thought to himself. He'd been waiting for this to happen for months, but now that the moment has finally arrived, he has lost all ability to form an intelligent sentence. One thing's for sure, though, he looks like hell. He frantically makes his way across the bedroom and into the master bathroom where he attempts to wash all evidence of crying from his face. He dries off the water, throwing the towel onto the floor instead of hanging it up, and goes to his closet to change his shirt. Just as he's pulling it down over his chest, he hears a knock at the door. He takes a breath and walks down the hallway to let her in.

The first thing he sees when he opens the door is her eyes: puffy and red, looking exactly like his. She had been crying, too. _Great, some pair we are_, he mumbles to himself. He steps aside to let her in, and she hesitantly enters, as if debating whether or not it would be acceptable to run away. She decides against it and crosses the living room, allowing herself to sink into his couch. Castle closes the front door and takes a seat in a chair directly across from her. They both sit stiffly in their designated areas, neither of them knowing what to say to the other. They sit in silence for a few minutes, each avoiding the other's eyes, before he finally gets fed up with her nonsense and speaks up.

"_**I'm talking in circles;**_

_**I'm lying, they know it.**_

_**Why won't this just all go away?"**_

"Look, I assume you came here for a reason, so let's have it," he states coldly. The tone in his voice surprises her, sending the lump back to her throat. She clears it and takes a deep breath, trying desperately to steady her voice and avoid crying. She knows that wouldn't help anything.

"Castle," she begins, not knowing quite where to start. "I'm- I'm- I'm so_, so_ sorry!" is all she could manage before a new wave of tears burned her eyes, quickly making their way down her cheek, falling onto the leather sofa. "It was stupid, and I never should have kept that from you. I know that now! But you have to understand, this case.. my mom's case, it's just-" she tries to catch her breath in between sobs, but she's just too worked up. "That case, it's who I am, Castle! I told you... until I solve this case, I just can't commit to this thing we have, you know that! Please, I'm sorry! I just... I can't handle you being mad at me, Rick." He remains in the same position, staring absent-minded through the far wall, never even flinching. "Rick!" she yells at him with as much strength as she could muster, "please! Say _something!"_

Rick slowly lifts his gaze until his eyes meet hers. His face expressionless, except for the single tear she watches slide down his right cheek. "Well, what is there to say, Kate?" he says angrily. He watches her body sink further down into the couch, her face looking more helpless than it did before, which is something he never thought possible. The sight of Kate this way tears what's left of his heart wide open, which only causes more anger to ignite inside of him. _She_ lied to _him,_ and as far as he can see it, this feeling is what she deserves. And she has no right to subject him to this pain, too. He tries to control his tone, but he still finds himself screaming. "_You're_ sorry? What exactly are you sorry for, Kate? Huh? For lying to me? For treating me like I mean absolutely nothing to you? Oh, no, I've got it. Maybe it's for destroying me! For taking my heart and ripping it out of my chest, this person you 'care about' meaning absolutely nothing to you!" Kate is sobbing, unable to breathe. The only time she can remember crying this hard is when she arrived home to find her mother was killed. But this - losing the one person she loves with all of her heart - it's equally painful.

Rick falls quiet, his face still full of anger. Kate's tear-stained eyes are locked on his, but he refuses to meet her gaze. She tries to locate whatever courage she has left and takes a deep breath. "Rick," she begins as calmly as possible. "I- I don't know what to do," she stammers, her voice breaking. "Please, I'll do anything; you name it. Rick!" she raises her voice. His eyes finally meet hers, and she waits until she's sure he won't break their glance. "Rick. I love you, Rick! I have _always_ loved you. Alright?" His eyes burn with tears and, once again, his cheeks become flooded. It takes only seconds for him to begin sobbing; the strong, rugged man looking more helpless than Kate could have ever expected. Once again, he looks up. Kate's heart quickens as he finally begins to speak. A glimmer of hope plays across her face as he quietly starts talking.

"Kate," he begins, her eyes widening with hope. "...Just get out."

Whatever composure she had managed to regain shatters, along with the remnants of her heart. "No, Rick, please. Come on, don't do this!" she begs.

"No, I'm sorry, Kate. But go." She sits frozen on his sofa, the shock of his words immobilizing her. "Go on, get out!" he screams, tears running down his face. She stands up slowly, ready to plead with him, only to feel his anger rising once more.

"Kate! GET. OUT." That was it. It was over, and she knew it. Her "one and done," her "always," he had given up. Kate stammers to the door and upon reaching it, she pauses to turn back to look at him just one more time before she leaves forever. As she peers over her shoulder, she waits for her eyes to clear from tears; but when they do, what she sees only causes them to flow harder. She turns her body to face the now empty living room, tears streaming down her face. Richard Castle, the man she loves, is nowhere to be found. He is gone.

"_**Is this what it feels like to really cry?"**_


End file.
